Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
