I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
