I hope mine doesn't look like that
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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