Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
