My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
