I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
