I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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