Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt