I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
