just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
