I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
