My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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