They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
last night I used snow as a chaser
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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