Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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