you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
