I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
