He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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