I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
