Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
