and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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