My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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