I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
