Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
