Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
