I only kidnapped one of them. chill
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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