he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
not ubering you a puppy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.