grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
