Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
