remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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