porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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