Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
