It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
