If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
