wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
