remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Found the puke drawer
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
