he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
