The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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