I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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