Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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