What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
