We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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