My hand turned me down
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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