last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
