You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
