the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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