The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
