There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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