so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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