OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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