Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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