he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
