there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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