I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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