Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
