sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
