my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
