I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
