You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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